The True Account of the Battle of Argona by Krrsh, Master of the Mercifuge

Krrsh’s Official Tactical Log of Extreme Flamboyance and The Time I Basically Won a Space Battle By Myself (With Help)

Location: Argona Orbit (Briefly) / Running Away to Exe

So, we arrived at Argona. Well, eventually. First, we arrived in the middle of nowhere because someone (I’m not naming names, but it rhymes with “Bars”) did the math wrong. I don’t blame him. Math is cold and unfeeling, unlike Dance or Piloting, which are arts of the soul. We had almost no fuel. We were running on fumes and hope. It was very dramatic. I loved it.

Anyway, the plan was simple: I take the Mercifuge – which flies like a dumpster full of wet carpet – and I act like a distraction.

Timaeus told me: “Krrsh, draw their attention. Be conspicuous.”

I said: “Captain, I was born conspicuous. I am a neon sign in a world of beige. I am a glowing sequin on a funeral suit.”

So I go in. I’m flying the Mercifuge toward the Highport, but I’m doing it badly on purpose. I’m wobbling. I’m revving the engines. I’m broadcasting a transponder signal that basically says “HELLO I AM DEFINITELY THE STEELGRINDER AND I AM VERY CONFUSED.” It was the greatest acting performance of my life. I channeled the energy of a drunk Virushi.

And it worked! The PRQ security ships came out. The Defiant. A D-Class System Defence Boat. Big. Ugly. A particle bay the size of a house. Nasty piece of work. They thought: “Oh look, a helpless idiot Vargr in a salvage hauler, let’s go bully him.”

JOKE WAS ON THEM.

While they were looking at my majestic wobbling, the So Much For Subtlety was sitting right there. Invisible. Silent. Like a predator waiting in the tall grass. Or like the philistine Sharyl when he’s waiting for me to try to play music.

The Defiant flew right past them. I turned around and pretended to run away (also majestically), and then: ZAP!

Eric shot their sensors off. Blinded them!

Then Dr. Parsifal used the particle barbette. BOOM! Hit their engines.

Suddenly the big brute of a ship is drifting like a dead fish. If fish could drift in space. Actually they probably just need a shove. The real trick is probably for a living fish to drift in space.

BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT. Anyway, the Vespexers and the droids went in. I didn’t see that part, but there was a lot of screaming over the comms. Good screaming, I think? The “we are winning” kind.

We stole the whole ship.

Next came the hard part, and the bit that had everyone in awe of their favourite Krrsh. It showed why they gave me the hard job. I had to turn the Mercifuge around and clamp onto a hostile military ship while people were shooting at us.

Do you know how hard that is? It’s like trying to hug an angry cactus while riding a unicycle.

But I did it. Of course I did. I clamped them tight. Ace clamping.

We literally stole the police car while the police were still inside it. Well, figuratively literally. But we do have a whole bunch of frozen space police, now.

So I heroically refuel the sneaky ship and next thing we know we are jumping to Exe and I am towing a 200-ton warship clamped to my hull. My fuel usage is horrific. The structural groaning sounds would have turned a lesser Vargr’s fur white. Not mine: it remains a glorious mix of platinum and anthracite.

So we won. And I looked good doing it.

Music Selection for the Battle:

Catch Me If You Can (Tiznee Zazzle, The Glitterball Remix).

Perfect tempo for evasive maneuvers. Inspirational. The crew obeyed my strict orders to enjoy it.

Crew Roles by Krrsh (Updated for Battle of Argona)

Name	Title	Notes
Krrsh	The Bait	I risked my beautiful argent fur to lure the enemy. A hero.
Eric	The Blinder	Shot the eyes off a ship. Very precise. Scary.
Dr. Parsifal	The Hammer	He usually fixes people, but today he broke an engine, showing good range.
Timaeus	The Other Boss	Came up with the plan. It worked, so he stays on the list.
Lars	Math Issues	We misjumped. But the boarding was almost as good as my bit.
Vespexers	Coughing Army	They boarded the ship. Very brave. Very sickly. Need anti-radiation lozenges.
The PRQ	Losers	Fell for the “Wobbly Vargr” trick. Embarrassing for them.